The surprising elements of confidence
Part 1
How do you behave when you are your most confident self?
Maybe you are calm and collected, stand tall, express yourself with ease and eloquence, and articulate your ideas easily.
Truth be told when we’re confident we feel like we’re on top of the world and we can solve any challenge that comes our way. We also feel like we can positively influence and inspire others and we have this newfound energy that propels us to take action, which keeps us focused and motivated.
Confidence is what turns thoughts into action
But have you ever noticed how easily you can go from feeling on top of the world to being riddled with self-doubt, feeling small and like you’re not good enough?
It can happen in a split second and if you’re not careful you can get sucked into the negative self-talk vortex and spend a long time stuck there.
Maybe someone made a casual passing comment, but it stuck with you so much that now you feel like all the confidence you experienced just a few moments ago has left your body. Or maybe your inner negative self-talk has taken over and is now in the driving seat.
Low confidence can be the result of several factors. It might spring from early childhood messages we internalise (sometimes without even realising it), a lack of representation in our environments or in the media, our personalities, previous experiences and much more.
The important thing to remember is that low confidence is not an inherent flaw, it’s not permanent and it doesn’t have to define you. Confidence can be learned and practised. It begins with becoming more self-aware, learning the key elements of confidence so you can cultivate more of that in your life and then taking action steps every day towards change.
I became fascinated with this topic many years ago. I was curious to figure out why some people are more confident and others aren’t and how you become more confident. I’ve also noticed and experienced that in different environments and around certain people I was more confident. The other thing that become more apparent was that in either work or social environments, men tended to be more confident than women (not a blanket statement, an observation also based on research) and this got me curious to research further.
Having struggled with it myself (and still struggling to this day in certain situations or new environments), I wanted to unpack what makes one confident, what we should focus on when we work on bringing more confidence into our lives and how can we teach confidence earlier in life.
In my quest, I came across research showing that many people struggle with confidence issues especially early in their careers, but women especially struggle the most and are less likely to promote themselves compared to men.
This often puts women at a disadvantage, as they are less likely to be hired or offered competitive pay. Regardless if you’re a woman or man reading this, it is crucial that you understand the importance of confidence in your life and learn how to better understand and support not just yourself but those around you too.
Having low confidence, especially when you’re new to a role or when you lack experience in particular high-stake situations (i.e. doing a task you’ve never done before, leading an important project, presenting in front of your CEO etc.), is something natural. However, if you persistently lack confidence even after you gain more experience and knowledge can have really damaging repercussions for your career progress.
In their book “The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance — -What Women Should Know”, authors Claire Shipman and Katty Kay talk to various experts and people about different high confidence actually is and how we cultivate more of it in our life.
“Confidence is not, as we once believed, simply feeling good about yourself, saying you’re great, perfect just as you are, and can do whatever you want to do. That way of thinking hasn’t really worked for us, has it? Just saying ‘I can do that’ doesn’t mean that you believe it or will act on it. If it did, therapists would be out of business pretty quickly. And hearing ‘You are wonderful’ from someone else doesn’t help, either. If all we needed were a few words of reassurance or a pat on the back, we’d all be productive, thin, and nice to our in-laws as we commandeered the corner office”.
Having self-confidence is mostly this sense that we can master something and, as such, having confidence becomes more of an attitude, it is the way we approach the world and everything we do.
In short, confidence becomes — how sure are you that you have the necessary skills to succeed at doing a particular thing.
Here are some of the elements that contribute to us feeling more confident (the rest will follow in a different article).
Self-esteem
Self-esteem is a vital ingredient to our emotional well-being. Being able to value yourself, and feel good about yourself no matter what you have or don’t have, is an invaluable skill to have especially when it comes to dealing with challenges and setbacks.
Being able to have this stable sense of self, this overall good feeling about who you are and your role in the world, whilst saying you’re confident that you can achieve a certain goal, will help you achieve your goals and enjoy your life more. Typically, healthy self-esteem is a sign of confidence and vice versa.
Claire Shipman and Katty Kay said:
There’s a particularly close relationship if high self-esteem is based on talents or abilities. “I think I’m a valuable person because I am smart, fast, efficient, and successful in my field.” If, however, you don’t really care about talents or skills or intelligence or achievements but you care about being a good person, perhaps about being devout, or living up to a moral code, then your self-esteem and your confidence will have looser ties.
In recent years self-esteem has gotten a bad rep and a fair amount of backlash. This was mainly due to decades of being exposed to unrealistic and somewhat unhealthy self-esteem — the emphasis was on simply telling children, and sometimes adults, that they were all winners, all fabulous, and all perfect.
“After observing a generation of self-esteem-swaddled kids turn into rudderless adults, the experts realized none of that actually gives children any concrete basis for believing they can do anything, or even make decisions on their own”. (The confidence code — Shipman & Kay).
This brings me back to this. Having self-esteem doesn't mean having an inflated ego and believing you’re perfect; it is more about being able to value yourself just as you are, a perfectly flawed human being, with hopes and aspirations, who will make mistakes and who will experience setbacks. Being able to get up time and time again knowing you can still fail is a big component of self-esteem because you believe in your ability to keep moving forward even if sometimes it might look like 2 steps forward 10 steps back to then leap-frog your way into your next adventure.
Practices that help you improve your self-esteem
Living Consciously
To live more consciously means not allowing your subconscious biases and desires to control you. You understand what’s going on around you, you understand your view of the world is limited to your inner universe and you seek to understand different perspectives (especially when you have a different opinion), whilst at the same time making informed choices.
Self-acceptance
True self-acceptance means accepting yourself as you are, your whole self without judging or criticising, and understanding you’re valuable as you are flaws and all.
Take responsibility
You are responsible for your own happiness. Some things might not be your fault but they are your problem to solve. You don’t live in the “victim mentality” and understand that you need to keep yourself accountable, that no one will come and save you and that you have the autonomy to focus on what is within your control (these are usually things related to your own behaviour, the effort you put it. You can’t control people, outcomes and external circumstances)
Assertiveness
You have the ability to stand up for yourself, to express your ideas, wants and needs with confidence, whilst respecting those around you. Your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.
Living with purpose
Recognising that “living with purpose” is being where you are right now, doing what you’re doing, and living your life. You don’t postpone living in the hope something better will come in the future whilst being miserable in the present moment. You live with intention, simply rejoicing in the little moments of joy you experience every day recognising life has its ups and downs and you’re doing your best to navigate through it all.
Personal integrity
You hold yourself to a high standard morally, and ethically and you keep yourself accountable. You understand well the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” and as such, you recognise is your moral obligation to develop a code of conduct that allows you to make the best choices even when the circumstances are difficult
The next element that helps us build our confidence is optimism.
Optimism
When I think of optimism I often have in mind one of the quotes that has guided my life for the past decade:
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it — Charles Swindoll
As an optimist I expect the most favourable outcome, I am grateful for everything that I have, I notice the good things that happen to me, and the great people that come into my life and I do my best to make the most out of a least favourable situation by asking “What can I learn from this?”
On the other end of the spectrum, pessimism means you might not pay attention to the good things that happen in your life and might be more focused on what you lack rather than what you already have.
As Winston Churchill put it:
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
We can be optimistic about specific events in our lives or we can have a generally positive outlook that things will work out in the best possible way.
Shipan and Kay suggest that, unlike self-esteem, optimism isn’t a judgment of your inner self-worth; it’s an attitude you have that is based on your view of the outside world. You’re not optimistic because of your talents or your innate goodness; you are optimistic because you interpret the world positively.
Nansook Park, one of the world’s leading experts on optimism and a professor at the University of Michigan, describes confidence and optimism as closely related but with an important distinction — optimism is a more generalised outlook, and it doesn’t necessarily encourage action. Confidence does.
Optimism is the sense that everything will work out. Confidence is, I can make this thing work — Nansook Park
Martin Seligman, one of the founders of the positive psychology movement redefined optimism as something more robust, with a sense of action, linking it closer to confidence. According to him optimism, like any other skill, can be cultivated throughout life and optimist people have a sense of personal agency and that they can effect change.
Practices that help you become more optimistic
Change your perspective
Or rather “put things into perspective” as Martin Seligman calls it.
Intentionally counteract your extremely negative predictions with extremely positive ones. This will enable you to find the middle way.
For example, let’s say you don’t get that job you really thought you were going to get after the final interview went so well. If you’re like most people you’ll catastrophise. This is the end for me. I am not qualified enough, I’ll never find a better opportunity. As a counterbalance, imagine the least catastrophic interpretation, too: I will probably hear back from them and they’ll say they’ve made a mistake and I am the most qualified candidate for the role.
According to Seligman, between those two poles is where you’ll find the sweet spot — the realistic interpretation. It might be: You will be more suited for a different role and all you need to do is keep applying and not get discouraged. Sure, you feel sad and even angry or annoyed but for now but tomorrow you will feel better.
Overtime by practising this approach you will notice long-lasting results that “basically permanently change extreme pessimism into something much less pessimistic.” (M. Seligman)
Practice gratitude
Giving thanks for what you already have will help you get more of what you want. It might sound counterintuitive or even too simplistic but it’s a practice that makes a world of difference.
There’s ample evidence showcasing that having a gratitude practice is associated with a happier, more fulfilled life and leads to a positive mood. Giving thanks helps you focus on what you have and what brings joy in your life and as such puts a more optimistic spin on your everyday life.
You can journal choosing a gratitude prayer, you can pick 1–3 things you’re grateful for each morning or write a gratitude message or letter to someone you appreciate. The results for the latter method are unexpected. On top of positively impacting someone else’s life, research shows that even three months after delivering the letter participants in a research focus group noticed feeling more positive and optimistic about life overall.
Focus on what you can control
And know what’s out of your control. We are wired to want to be in control as it gives us a sense of safety. But in reality, the only certain thing is uncertainty. Learning how to let go of what we can’t control and identifying what we can change is an important step towards feeling more positive.
For example say you have an important project at work. You can’t control how others will respond to it, whether or not they’ll like it, but you can control how you show up, the work you put into it, the energy that you bring every day, and how you present it.
There are two more elements that contribute to our confidence that are worth paying attention to which I will share with you in a future article.
What resonated most with you?
